Wednesday, September 16, 2009

A lone wolf

Basically, im in no mood for doing anything neither not doing anything at all. I just woke up, with a heavy migraine. I bumped my head onto the bolster with heavy thoughts, wondering whether hijaz already woke up or not and things that make me feel guilty like recent dormancy, deprecate people and still not vamoose from KMS!. Personally, the disappointment make me feel miserable as the whole point of living life is so pointless at this point.

4.30p.m, Tuesday evening,
It was a gloomy evening, as everybody was busy heading home whilst wishing
a safe journey back and happy raya, me and hijaz were looking at people with idle faces. We were planning( I was planning) to watch UP together. Sounds gay. :)). Actually, i just want to distract my feelings esp the homesick feeling. I think I should stay for a day to impassive myself from the society, plus hijaz ticket's tomorrow, and it would be a great thing to do.

6 pm, i was sleeping under the fastest-ever fan on farabi(bilik halim) and hijaz was playing PES by himself since 2pm. My sleep-marathon disturbed by the sudden yell that comes from Hijaz, he asked me " dude, pukul brapa nak gerak ni?. For my eyes were too heavy to open, i turn to the opposite side. I want to continue my sleep but my desire to watch UP wakes me up. "Jom ah!".

ko bangun lah!
cepat ah siap, aku dah mandi pkul 4 tadi.
ko lah x bangun2 lagi.
abis ko x stop2 men game lagi aku pon malas ah.
cepat ah, aku dah solat asar.
bila?
tadi ah.
OH! ok2 aku solat terus gerak, ko mandi ah!.

Again the malas-ness strikes again. I am not used to this malas. Something inside me that changed. I am in need of extra booster/motivation i think. LOL. Motivational talks always makes me sleepy......

Breaking fast outside is new to me. I never had the chance to eat outside during fasting month because mum will always cooks delicious-variety foods. Plus, i am again a malas person to eat outside. The term is actually leceh. We were at Mcds, they got berbuka puasa offer there. So, Aqil said he prefer mcd rather than kfc. There is something suspicious in his words. Yeah, i figured it already when he "bantai" 3 large fries, a big mac, applepie, air pepsi. Action speaks louder than words. Aqil falsifies the fact that small people eat little portion of food rather than large people.

After that, we watched UP. I dont want to share anything, but it was a 5/5 movie lah.!

Wed/today,

Hijaz had lost his ticket, bus ticket. Poor guy. I was helping him all day to find his ticket. After we found that makcik cleaner already sapu his ticket. I was touched when he said "Astagfirullah, ad hikmah ni." I was like woo. His heart is really pure. Then, i decided to accompany him until he got back. Now, hes at KL staying with his cousin.


After i arrived home, i feel good. Yeah, home sweet home. There is no place like home. ;))

Thursday, September 10, 2009

The Changes ; symptoms

Thursday, exactly before the isya prayer; where people went to tadarus with their usrahs, F112 DESK 1.

I found something was not right with me. It has always been like that.
Since, my parents sent me to live with my grandparents during my childhood. The sour feeling of being left behind is not alien to me anymore. Where my childhood is different from others, living with parents under one roof, getting to know their own parents, going on holidays with parents where parents can buy alotsa toys to their children made me envied to every person.


  • Health condition : terrible
Having had several bad coughs and dynamically awkward fever lately. The diarrhea and gastric attacks had annoyed me every hour. Runny nose becomes the main problem of my breathing difficulty. I was quite shocked when asked by Arab, a fellow classmate,
Weh, ko boleh bernafas guna berapa belah hidung.
2 lah. Aku selalu nafas guna satu belah aja. Oh yakah!
Camne nak cek? Ko hembus nafas guna hidung, cek guna jari tahan depan hidung.
Unluckily, me too can only exhale using only one of two holes of the nose(wonder ppl got 3 holes). Ahs, i had been admitted at the Seremban Hospital because of chest pain lately. Thanks to Iqmal for accompanying me.

  • Peer pressure
Living in with people whom i never mingle with before makes my life miserable. I admit, i am a person that can makes a lot of friends but cannot be a good ones. Plus, i only hangs out with people with my own clique. Different ideas, different styles, different way of lives from other people always bounds me to mix with others. Sometimes, it is better this way because I can live my own life and they can live theirs as long as they are not disturbing mine.

But, unfortunately, i cannot live that kind of way. I had been given a heavy responsibility where a lot of commitments needed towards the people i barely know. I am the type who enjoys to do what i like and love. Yes, it is called sincerity. But, i am not always sincere. I do not know whether i am sincere enough to satisfy the needs of others because i am a total mess myself.

  • Homesick
It is actually very hard for me to admit this. Yes,I am a homesick person. Before this, i had never lived more than 100km radius from home.Even though, i studied at a boarding school before, but it is just 15 minutes away from home. Gee, it is hard for me actually. Left alone stranded here, with no close friends that always let me stayed at their houses, no Kak Ema that always lend me a pair of helping hands when i am in troubles, no hanging outs with junkies.

Eventhough i am homesick but i tried my best not to leave from here.



* I do not know what i am turning into. Somebody out there, help me. Maybe i am in need of moral support. Or i am just not being grateful of what i have at this moment.

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